By A V Laidlaw

“Ah. Good morning. I’m Tim, head of human resources. Mister… Mister Claus.”

“Everyone calls me Santa.”

“Santa! Great! Take a seat. Good journey? Hope you found us okay? Did you come by public transport?”

“Bus.”

“Bus. Fantastic. Can we get you anything? Coffee, tea?”

“A little tot of whisky’s traditional.”

“Whisky? Um, you do understand that, if your application is successful, we do have a strict policy about alcohol during working hours. We’re a fun loving bunch down here at The Burger Bazaar. The most fun-loving bunch you could meet. But rules are rules. You don’t have a, um, problem we should know about?”

“No. Just in my last job…”

“Brilliant! Now, looking at your CV, you’ve had quite a varied career. Perhaps you could fill us in with some of the details.”

“My first job was the Bishop of Myra.”

“Bishop. Now that’s impressive. Now, when exactly was this? There seems to be a teeny misprint here. It looks like 300 AD.”

“That’s right, the fourth century. I was called Nicolas, then, or Nick to be informal. The Church was still something of a start-up company, everyone mucking in. Good opportunities for promotion, though. I made it up to Saint.”

“Gosh, a Saint. Don’t think we’ve had a Saint working at The Burger Bazaar before. It sounds absolutely fantastic. So, why did you leave?”

“You know how it goes. Fall of Constantinople, Ottoman Empire. Not much call for Christian Saints.”

“I put that down as laid off due to economic conditions. Then you became a delivery driver.”

“Self-employed.”

“Excellent! At The Burger Bazaar, we believe in empowerment. Who knows, within a few years, you could be running your own franchise. Now tell me more about the delivery business. You have an HGV license?”

“Not exactly.”

“A white van man!”

“More of a sleigh.”

“A sleigh.”

“It flew.”

“A flying sleigh.”

“Pulled by reindeer.”

“For home deliveries, we tend to use mopeds.”

“I’m willing to retrain.”

“That’s, um, great. At The Burger Bazaar, we believe in self-improvement.”

“And empowerment.”

“Yes, quite so. Moving on, what three qualities could you bring to this role?”

“First of all I’d say, time management. Getting all those presents delivered on Christmas Eve was no easy feat.”

“You only worked one day a year?”

“No. The rest of the time I was supervising the elves.”

“Sorry, did you say managing yourself?”

“Elves. You know, pointy hats, whistling a merry tune as they whittled out a toy train or sewed a dress for a pretty doll. Little people.”

“I’m not sure if that’s the politically correct term.”

“Well, they called themselves Elves. The whole mixture really, pixies, brownies, fairies.”

“A culturally diverse work environment. That’s good. Very good. At The Burger Bazaar, we have a full anti-bullying policy. A strict no-no to racism, sexism and, er, size-ism. So what would you say your major weakness is?”

“Oh. I haven’t really thought about that. Mince pies, I suppose.”

“And how, using examples from your career, have you overcome this weakness?”

“You might be able to guess from the size of my tum, I haven’t really.”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean it isn’t my place to comment. Remember, courtesy and respect to fellow co-workers. That’s what we believe at The Burger Bazaar.”

“Along with empowerment and self-improvement.”

“So why are you looking for a new position?”

“Kids.”

“I hope there’s not a problem. This is a customer facing role. Our younger clients are our most valuable.”

I mean, the kids stopped believing. We’ve had trouble before, back in the Seventeenth century when the Puritans banned us. But we picked ourselves up, got on with the work. By Victorian times, we were booming again. Hired us a PR man. Name of Charlie, Charlie Dickens. Lovely fellow. Put me in one of his books. But this time it’s different. I blame all the PlayStations and iPads. Kid’s not happy getting a wooden train set when they really want one of these electronic gizmos. The jig’s up. Easier for them to badger their parents into ordering something off Amazon than to write a letter to Santa.”

“Well, some great news, Mister Claus!. We do happen to have a vacancy on the night shift. The pay is £6.70 an hour. You’ll be starting on Environmental Hygiene Duties, but who knows how far you could go. At The Burger Bazaar, we believe in giving people a chance.”

“So you do believe in Father Christmas?”